The Accidental Expectant Father
I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.
We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia’s Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.
So off I went into the bathroom to check the results. Lo and behold, it came back positive. After taking a moment to absorb the fact, I composed myself and went back into the lounge as straight faced as I could. I tried to draw out the announcement as long as I could, toying with her growing impatience, finally relenting with a humble “Sweetheart, we are going to be parents”.
At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn’t believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word “roller-coaster”. Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmuring quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalize you as far as they can out of the process.
The perfect example of this type of incident occurred when we were visiting my wife’s sister. The two women have a mutual friend, she’s been a friend of theirs for years. While we were there, this friend rang the sister and completely independent of us, told her we want her to be present in the delivery room when our baby arrives. This was the last thing we wanted, we saw the delivery as a moment we would share alone. Yet this well meaning woman decided it was appropriate to organize for us what she thought was best, without even discussing it with us.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew “much better”.
The pregnancy of your first child really is a roller-coaster ride. You have such immense highs, indescribable moments you share with your partner. Moments you can hardly understand yet will never forget. For the first time you are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the “well meaning woman”, who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
I’ve talked to many fathers since these days, fathers from three different generations. The one thing that became absolutely clear to me was the well meaning woman is not new. She has existed forever, always lurking behind some skirt ready to interfere in someone else’s family. She could be a best friend, she could be you mother in law, she could even be your Mum. No matter whose face she wears, she probably already exists in your life.
I found the well meaning woman really impacted us in 2 areas. I learned pretty quick that it was important for me as the father to be, to protect our family from her influences in two areas particularly. If you are facing similar difficulties today, you may want to pay particular attention to these things.
Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.
Secondly you need to protect the trust you have in yours and your wife’s instincts. These instincts are probably the most powerful tool you have as a couple during pregnancy. Your pregnancy, birth experience and child will not be the same as any other which has ever come before. Its unique to your situation and only your instincts are aligned with your experience. The well meaning woman’s instincts were very valid for her pregnancy, but that was a completely different experience to yours. So trust yourself and protect your partners trust in herself. Its important.
So, as a father to be, if you find yourself confronted by the “Well Meaning Woman”, you are certainly not the first, and will not be the last. Good luck with it and remember, even though these people will make you feel like you know less, 99% of the time your insticts will be spot on.
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